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I have been working with The Chesapeake Center to improve their business development and proposal processes. They have been the test case for many aspects of the process recommendations that show up in this newsletter. They recently asked me to take a look at the draft copy for an email they were planning to send to some of their prospects. In re-writing the email, go to www.killer-sales-letters.com I found myself doing many of the same corrections I do to proposals, so I thought I’d share it as a sample. Here is the original draft: Do you want the best SLP services provided to your students? Do you want your parents to rave about their child’s speech therapist, and tell all of their friends? Then, let us introduce ourselves. We are The Chesapeake Center Inc. We are an award-winning, highly acclaimed, nationally-known provider of pediatric speech language pathology, physical and occupational therapy services. The purpose of this communication is to introduce ourselves, and ask for an appointment with your school. At our appointment, we will explain and explore opportunities for us to enhance your student’s experience by delivering the quality services for which we are known. I will follow up with a phone call. It is full of information about our services, and helpful tips for parents and schools. Have a great day! We look forward to meeting with you soon. Here are my comments in brackets (note: the subject matter/offering is not what important— focus on the presentation is): Do you want the best SLP services provided to your students? [This is not a good opener. No one would say “no!” Also, it’s probably _not_ the most important concern of the buyer.] Do you want your parents to rave about their child’s speech therapist, and tell all of their friends? Then, let us introduce ourselves. [Just do it --- don’t ask permission. That’s just adding to the word count without adding any value.] We are The Chesapeake Center Inc. [Introduce yourself with something that matters to the reader.] We are an award-winning, highly acclaimed, nationally-known provider of pediatric speech language pathology, physical and occupational therapy services. [You need to state why this matters in order to pass the reader’s “so what?” test.] The purpose of this communication is to introduce ourselves [You’ve already said that (and you didn’t need to say it the first time).], and ask for an appointment with your school. At our appointment [If you want them to invest their time you need to give them more than a promise to justify the meeting when you get there.], for help visit www.10steps-to-killer-web-copy.com we will explain and explore opportunities for us to enhance your student’s experience by delivering the quality services for which we are known.
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